Gibraltar Draws Up List of Invasions It Would Accept
10 point document agreed on the sand. Only one item passes unanimously.
Fifty thousand people crossed last week into a city that is eleven miles away by sea, on a different continent, outside Schengen, and not Gibraltar. Within the hour, the critical thinkers in Gibraltar had taken it personally.
The Chief Minister was dispatched to British national radio to explain, slowly, that a person in Ceuta is exactly as far from Gibraltar as a person in Tangier. It is believed to be the first time a head of government has gone on air to announce the continued existence of the sea.
It is believed to be the first time a head of government has gone on air to announce the continued existence of the sea.
A geographer confirmed the finding, pointing out that a body of water lies between Africa and the beach, a position the Government has since adopted as fact.
In London, the Shadow Foreign Secretary, Priti Patel, wrote urgently to two Cabinet ministers about the risk of migrants finding routes into Gibraltar, bringing to the subject a former Home Secretary on whose watch record numbers found routes into Britain. Scanning for irony, the border scheme she signed went on to relocate four people to Rwanda. Her letter has been passed to the geographer, who confirms the sea is still there.
The crossings themselves were reportedly propelled by videos on Instagram. The defence of Gibraltar was organised where all of Gibraltar''s defences are organised: GBC News comments section.
The Government issued a statement confirming both that there is no reason for alarm and that every agency is on heightened alert, in that order. Reassured on both counts, the Gibraltarians holding the beaches began drafting terms.
Residents asking what now stands between the Rock and the outside world were. A list of acceptable invasions was then drafted at Camp Bay by a committee of nine sun bathers and one man who had been there since 6.a.m.
1. An invasion of Chicken and Beef Pinchitos, advancing in two 5 km columns from El Eroski. The dish translates as ''little spears'', making this the only invasion that arrives already armed, and correctly labelled. The committee agreed to be taken at spear-point, subject to joining the queue.
2. An invasion of builders to build a chiringuito overnight on the position currently held by any vending machine near the sea. The committee voted to before any question was finished.
3. Invasion of Feriantes. The authorities already classify it as a frontier security concern, so the paperwork exists. It would be permitted to advance and setup on the runway, hold the reclaimed land for one month, and withdraw, leaving insomnia and one collective resaca.
4. A landing craft full of sand, beaching at Camp Bay by noon and grilling sardines by six. Surrender shall be signalled by smoke, and accepted by everyone with Espetos.
5. An invasion of Mint tea. Specifically the version where you are given a glass, then a second glass, and then cannot leave for two hours. The committee classed this as an invasion it would not resist and could not escape.
6. A seaborne landing of public auditors. The Falkland Islands, population 3,200, maintains a Public Accounts Committee; Gibraltar has been ruled too small to have one. The committee concluded the books will only ever be opened by force. This is the sole invasion on the list the Government has pledged to resist.
7. A supply column of jamón, chorizo and morcilla, advancing up Main Street behind a butcher issuing instructions whether asked or not.
8. Torta de acelga, with a second wave of torta de patata. Sovereignty over the torta is disputed, both sides claiming to have invented it. Joint sovereignty over the filling was proposed, and defeated by 17,900 votes to 187.
9. An invasion of street cleaners, entering at first light behind a wall of pressure hoses. Each street would be captured, scrubbed, and released in a condition its residents could no longer identify. The committee classed this as less an invasion than a liberation, and asked for Waterport Road to be taken first.
10. An invasion of plumbers and electricians who come on the day they say they would come. Passed unanimously, no such person having been sighted on either side of the frontier, meaning this invasion must be launched from somewhere else entirely.
The meeting closed with a short reading from the history books, noting that the last invasion from Morocco went so well that the territory has been using the name ever since. The minutes record no objection.